I thought that today on my way out of class. The idea just came to me and right after I thought of it, I had no idea what to make of it. I’m finally in my last year of this college life, and I have never felt more lost and more tired. I also love everything that I’m doing as far as extra clubs I’m in so I’m happy…but I’m also really worn out trying to figure out what I’m going to do with my life.
I spent the whole time thinking I was going to do one thing and then I realized, I’m not going to do that because I don’t want to do that. I wish I could just go to grad school but guess what, you need to know what you’re doing specifically because it’s not like undergrad where you can pick a college based on the size or what state it’s located in and go in being undeclared, figuring it out along the way. No. You need to know. And I don’t know.
I keep jokingly saying that if I can’t figure it out by this semester, I’m going to move to Bali and convince the monks to let me stay so I can learn their ways and meditate for a few months or maybe a year. But I don’t know. I just wish I could figure it out. It’s scary having no idea, well, it’s scary to me. I can’t just not have a plan or a schedule, and right now, I have neither.
Irritated is an understatement. I wish I had a punching bag and boxing gloves because this internal rage is eating me up on the inside. Every comment or look with even the most subtle amount of attitude makes me so incredibly…beyond angry. To add to all this frustration, I’m moving and it’s the worst. I can’t. I can’t deal with anyone or anything. It’s all working my nerves to the limit and I can tell this upcoming period is gonna be serious if I’m already at this level. I need everyone to back off, I need space, and I need a vacation that I can’t have. I need to be left alone until the storm is over and my period has come and gone and this state of mind I’m in can clear itself away. I need to be left alone. Everyone needs to stop speaking to me and leave me alone. I think it’s for the best for anyone who might/will unintentionally get in my way and for myself. It’s not too much to ask.
UM…DROP EVERYTHING YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW AND LISTEN TO THIS! “Of course sh*t goes down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator” YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
That is what So You Think You Can Dance has taught me, and it’s not a sad truth, devastating songs just make the most beautiful stories through dance. Also…I’ve been watching a lot of old auditions on youtube hahaha